No, I am not falling apart. No, I have no illnesses, wounds, broken limbs. But my heart hurts a bit. I don't like it. Sometimes I wish I did not feel so strongly, but then I tell myself at least I "feel" alive. Not excitingly alive. Just not completely dead of heart.
I adore my family and hate to see any of them go through emotional upheaval. Fears of the future, after school, with no real future to speak of. Loans that will have to be paid, years spent on studying something only to find there are no prospects at this time. Times are hard all over especially for young people graduating from college.
I feel badly when I know they are having relationship problems. I am not an expert, I just know that even though things feel terrible at the moment, it will pass. Time and distance do cure many wounds.
I am a mother, with all that comes with the job. I worry about my children, I wish I could help when they go through rough spots, but sometimes a kiss, an ear, or a shoulder are just not enough, and sometimes that is all I can offer.
There is a saying: "Someone should have told us when we became parents that for the rest of our lives our hearts would walk around outside our bodies". My heart is out there riding a bike from St. Paul to the University, riding a bike from Harding to home, and out driving, trying to come to terms with having to really be an adult.
I sometimes wish to keep them always near me. But they need wings and I must encourage them to go out into the world to find their own lives. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. To just let go, let them go through hurt, joy, sadness, and all those things that we all go through. They will survive. I think I gave them that at least. And they will become who they are supposed to become.
And I will still be the mother, the wife, and when they need it, a friend.
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6 comments:
So true. They all have to go through the fire sometimes, as do we STILL! If only once you got through the fire, you never had to revisit it.
Said like a true mother.
Troutay,
A wonderfully haunting post...it is hard to even imagine what those feelings are...but Gail is right, said just like a Mother.
Peace
I think the older we get, the more pronounced our difficulties are, yet we have more wisdom with which to deal with them.
I'm not a mother, but I have a mother and a husband and I do feel a great sense of responsibility towards them. I understand where you're coming from.
Kat
Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment on my blog.
lovely post and very helpful to me as my son is away from me at the moment
I found your blog through your comment on Reamus's blog. It is now June 16, but you wrote this post on May 19, which is the 46th anniversary of my wedding to Mrs. RWP.
I identify with your thoughts. That is a really good quotation about our hearts walking around outside our bodies. We have three children who are now 41, 43, and almost 45, and six grandchildren ranging in age from 8 to 13. I discovered long ago when we had our second child that our love doesn't divide at all, it multiplies.
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